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It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle, by Mark Wolynn

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Review

Praise for It Didn’t Start with You   “Mark Wolynn does a masterful job of illuminating the ways in which our ancestors’ unresolved suffering, often unknown to us, disables us and binds us painfully to them. He gives us the tools and skills—an approach that combines understanding, imaginative dialogues, and compassionate reconnection—to free and heal ourselves.”  —James S. Gordon, MD, author of Unstuck: Your Guide to the Seven-Stage Journey Out of Depression“It Didn’t Start with You takes us a big step forward, advancing the fields of trauma therapy, mindfulness applications, and human understanding. It is a bold, creative, and compassionate work.” —Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness and Real Happiness   “This groundbreaking book offers a compelling understanding of inherited trauma and fresh, powerful tools for relieving its suffering. Mark Wolynn is a wise and trustworthy guide on the journey toward healing.” —Tara Brach, PhD, author of Radical Acceptance and True Refuge“Mark Wolynn’s extraordinary book cracks the secret code of families and proves that you can go home again—once you understand how history made you. Full of life-changing stories, powerful insights, and practical tools for personal healing, It Didn't Start With You deserves a place on your bookshelf next to Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child and Dan Siegel’s The Developing Mind. You’ll never see your family the same way again.” —Mark Matousek, author of Ethical Wisdom“Bridging both neuroscience and psychodynamic thinking, It Didn’t Start with You provides the reader with Mark Wolynn’s hard-earned toolbox of do-it-yourself clinical aids and provocative insights.” —Jess P. Shatkin, MD, MPH, Vice Chair for Education at NYU Langone Medical Center’s Child Study Center and author of Child & Adolescent Mental Health“After reading It Didn’t Start with You, I found myself immediately able to apply Mark Wolynn’s techniques with my patients and saw incredible results, in a shorter time than with traditional psychotherapeutic techniques. I encourage you to read this book. It’s truly cutting edge.” —Alexanndra Kreps, MD From the Hardcover edition.

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About the Author

Mark Wolynn is a leading expert on inherited family trauma. He is the winner of the 2016 Silver Nautilus Award in Psychology. As the director of The Family Constellation Institute in San Francisco, he has trained thousands of clinicians and treated thousands more patients struggling with depression, anxiety, panic disorder, obsessive thoughts, self-injury, chronic pain, and illness. A sought-after lecturer, he leads workshops at hospitals, clinics, conferences, and teaching centers around the world. He has taught at the University of Pittsburgh, the Western Psychiatric Institute, Kripalu, The Omega Institute, The New York Open Center, and The California Institute of Integral Studies. His articles have appeared in Psychology Today, Mind Body Green, MariaShriver.com, Elephant Journal and Psych Central, and his poetry has been published in The New Yorker. www.markwolynn.com.

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Product details

Paperback: 256 pages

Publisher: Penguin Books; Reprint edition (April 25, 2017)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 1101980389

ISBN-13: 978-1101980385

Product Dimensions:

5.5 x 0.6 x 8.4 inches

Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)

Average Customer Review:

4.5 out of 5 stars

205 customer reviews

Amazon Best Sellers Rank:

#2,551 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

This book is an important one that I'm glad that the author took the time and effort to write. However, since it falls under the "self help" genre, I feel its also important to make some distinctions about the audience this book best serves. Like another reviewer who wrote "avoid if you've overcome a toxic family", I think this book does not serve them well or anyone who was abused or severely neglected by primary caregivers, at least not initially in their healing process (and maybe not at all). I think a point not emphasized enough in the book is that the author himself spent 2 years on a spiritual journey BEFORE coming to the realization that emotional disconnectedness with his family was at the root of his own health problems (in other words, he did a lot of self-healing before attempting to connect with his parents). It makes perfect sense for him that re-establishing the emotional connection with his parents would be the logical solution to his own healing. Assuming his story is accurate about how his family was merely emotionally disconnected due to a mother stuck in grief and a father who suffered from low self esteem and there was not much in the way of emotional, verbal or physical abuse, this a perfect and beautiful situation in which re-establishment of emotional connection is the answer. However, in the case of abused and traumatized children by their caregivers, this is generally NOT the answer, and especially NOT the first step in the healing process. Abused and traumatized children have serious boundary issues, self-worth issues, difficulty forming healthy relationships, etc., that need to be dealt with first and foremost before attempting to restore relations with very unhealthy and toxic people who perpetrated the abuse. The caregivers are in fact the cause of the trauma and the issues and it is not simply a case of emotional disconnectedness with them. In other words, how can you emotionally connect with a person who is so emotionally shut down and disconnected that they abused their own children? It might be possible in some cases, but it is going to take a lot of energy and effort on the part of the abused child (now an adult) to make it happen and they may even put themselves in danger by doing so. Plus this type of therapy can place an intense internal conflict on the abused child to "make right" what the parents did wrong to them by trying to reconnect with them. I think that's where this type of therapy can do some psychological damage if the facilitator/therapist is not careful. If there is a way to utilize this type of therapy with abused children, this book did not cover it, at least not in much depth and did not recommend resources for people who come from those types of families and situations. I hope that will be rectified in a new edition or perhaps another book.

Despite the great reviews, as soon as I started reading, this book started brushing me the wrong way. What a waste of $5.24. As early as page 1, the author makes claims about the "latest scientific research" and offers no citation. On page 10 he claims a miraculous recovery of his vision. Are we to believe he ever had any eyesight loss at all? I don't. Chapter 2 is inundated with internet articles as his "scientific" sources. On page 29 he makes a strange claim about junk DNA being influenced by emotions that cannot be falsified by a simple web search at all. In this manner, this chapter is full of non- peer-reviewed quoting, such as "Yehuda *claims*", "Yehuda *believes*".Page 39 revealed why all of this seemed weak at best. I quote verbatim "Uncannily, the Bible, in Numbers 14:15, appears to corroborate the claims of modern science - or vice versa - that the sins, iniquities, or consequences (depending on which translation you read) of the parents can affect the children up to the third and fourth generations". The author proceeds to open Chapter 3 with a Bible passage.This is where to me, it is very clear this is all unscientific speculation based on confirmation bias and where I throw this book in the trash can.

The thesis of Mark Wolynn's "It Didn't Start With You", is that children absorb and act out intergenerational traumas in their families of origin, even and especially traumatic events that have been suppressed. Exercises are supplied to help readers uncover these traumas and to defuse their power.This is a brilliant book that immediately helped me to forge a hitherto undiscovered connection between a pressing life concern and aspects of my family history. I feel much lighter and more empowered since working through the many of the exercises prescribed by Wolynn.That said, I have extensively explored my family history in therapy, and was therefore able to use Wolynn's exercises to put together missing pieces. Without this previous therapy, I am not sure that I would have been able to use Wolynn's exercises constructively: the information might have been too explosive to handle on my own.While I endorse Wolynn's method, I would recommend that it be utilized under a therapist's guidance for those just beginning a program of self-examination. Uncovering trauma, including intergenerational trauma, can be a wrenching experience and needs to be undertaken in a safe setting. Better to undertake this process with a therapist, rather than independently.Bottom line: It Didn't Start With You is a superb book, and I suspect that Mark Wolynn's therapeutic techniques will help many. I recommend this volume to therapists and to stable, seasoned therapy patients without reservation. To those who are new to therapy and/or in an unsettled state, I'd recommend undertaking the exercises under a therapist's guidance.

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